Having to be a grown up, getting a job, settling down, having kids, paying bills, saving for retirement.
These all make you forget what it is that you really love in life.
I forget all of the time.
I also have realized that I avoid my dreams, I mean like the ones I used to have as a kid, so that I don't have to fail at them.
I have been so wrapped up in creating a family, keeping my job and boss happy, making it through the day. That I haven't really paid attention to what my heart wants, what my purpose is.
This project and being in the Mamapreneur group have really helped me re-focus that.
They've helped me FIND IT again.
Its really scary to admit. Its really scary to attempt.
But I cant live my life and get all the way to the end only to realize I should have just given it a try!
Thats what this song is to me.
I know that theres people out there, who are like me, who feel obligated to do what society says is right, what society says is the "next step" but who, like me, have a deep rooted feeling that they need to do more.
Something that makes us happy. Full-filled. Helpful.
Something that grows us beyond what we think we're capable of.
Its time to FIND IT.
to look DEEP inside yourself and dig it out.
It will make you smile, It will make you hurt, it will make you wild, it will make you work.
"I've lost my edge" "Its not THAT cool" "Hopefully I get better" "its not fantastic" "nobody is really going to like this" "Dont laugh at me" "Dont make fun of me" "who's going to want to watch 'ME'?" "I used to be good" "This is going to fail"
These thoughts in my head can go on forever. I didn't notice how often I sabotage myself. I started noticing that I down myself more than once a day so I decided to document each thought I had that was semi-negative or totally negative in one day.
Turns out I doubt myself very often.
These thoughts often sabotage my progress. I start to have fears, I start to care less, I start to slow my pace.
The crazy thing is that I NEVER noticed it!!!
Because of this project I try to look at every detail of my thought process, my daily life, my feelings.
It all effects this and I didn't know until NOW.
So what have I started to do to help myself.
TWO THINGS:
1) I try to overload myself with positive quotes.
Positive images, media, thoughts:
2) I do a little exercise each morning and night. I learned it in a mastermind workshop.
In the morning...
Write down 3 people I am grateful for.
Something I want the universe to help me with today
3 Things I intend to do
3 Things that make me feel good
At night...
3 Things I loved about my day
3 Things to celebrate about myself
3 Things I intend to do tomorrow
Asking the universe for something
Forgive myself or someone else for something that went wrong
I also have a couple of sentences that make me feel good and free.
"I go to sleep well rested and with a clear mind"
It seems kind of extensive but its pretty easy.
Sometimes I cant come up with three things so I just leave it at 1 and don't over think it.
My biggest obstacle has turned out to be myself.
That is a huge realization for me because I like to play my life off like I am %100 positive.
It makes me feel like it will make it real.
Well that ends here. I will finish this. I will push myself.
I will need help though.
What are some things you positive people do? to help yourself out of this thinking?
Started as an anthem I wanted to create. It ended up being the anthem for this first step.
Getting it off the ground took persistence I had to keep telling myself.
"...not yet. Its not over yet."
The idea for this song came to me before the project.
There are many transitions in life. Many changes that we think define us. This is what this song is about. Its about not letting society's mentality hold you back.
More Specifically.
I used to judge women who decided to become moms. I always thought that the decision to jump into motherhood meant that your life was now over. You live for someone else and you can no longer progress forward in the ways that you dreamt you could have before this 'baby.'
At least thats what society made it feel like.
Then I got pregnant. I didn't really plan it but I also wasn't against it. So the universe brought it.
When I finally had the baby I realized that I hadn't changed as a person and neither had my dreams. I mean the whole birthing process WAS life changing and cannot be put into words. All I could really say is it clicked something in my brain that made me feel more connected to humanity. All the people in the world.
I started to resent my old self, those old thoughts that secretly judged moms, laughed at their loss and commented on their choices. I hated that old me SO MUCH that I decided that I was going to prove her wrong.
DREAMS CAN STILL COME TRUE.
You can still -
travel
be creative
be inspired
care about yourself
make mistakes
be sexy
Don't get me wrong. Life is different.
But not in the DOWN and OUT way that most people think.
I wont go into the blessing (a word I use wisely) it is to be a Mom. All I will say is there are some perks like you wouldn't believe. Especially for the artist in all of us.
I believe all challenges have perks.
It may be at the end of the struggle, or way after, or the struggle itself. But the growth, "the perk"...
is invaluable.
That's what this song is about.
Get out of your brain. Accept the damages. Keep moving because its NOT OVER.
Mobile Version
Note:
The video was made in pieces. I recorded when I could and was inspired. I edited it down in about 5 hours. Spread up in three days. Its on iMovie and most of the cuts are experimental. I got lucky landing the beats. Although it is pretty easy lining up the music to the video in iMovie!
Since Im posting this after the fact I just want to share what I learned in the first week attempt at this process.
My goal was:
Write a song
Record my process
Make a music video
Mash-up my process for a behind-the-scenes video
In a week... Ha....
Let me tell you now.
I bit off more than I could chew.
I already had an idea of my first song so in that way I was ahead but if you know songwriting... you know that songs like to transform. It did and it it chewed up A LOT of my time.
After that. I attempted to mix up the behind the scenes stuff and kept letting the laptop die on me (because I would be on a roll) and lost hours of work. I mean like HOURS.
Please plug in your laptop guys... and SAVE SAVE SAVE!
At one point I even lost 8 hours of work. Which was a huge thing to do while staying at home with a 5 month old.
After a few minutes of anger, screaming and beating myself up... I went at it again.
I guess it was a blessing in disguise because everything turned out better than the first time.
I didn't say fantastic.
But better.
This same thing happened with the recording of the song.
I recorded the song in parts.
-Verse 1
-pre-hook
-Hook
-Verse 2
-pre-hook
-Hook
-Bridge
-Hook
-Adlibs
-Hook
and Layered.
Layered- means I sang the same part over and over on different tracks so that when it played all the layers played together This is so it sounds like more than one person is singing. It makes the song fuller.
I lost stuff. Did it again. Lost it. Did it again.
Made new harmonies, changed lyrics, came up with better adlibs.
So although it was intensely frustrating, I kept at it and it paid off!
at least for me!
Once I had all the material. I temporarily quit.
I know it doesnt make sense but I was so dissappointed in myself. I thought it would be easier.
Yeah, I had everything I needed but I wanted it finalized! Not just ready to start to finalize.
So I dropped it for a week.
I didnt realize I was doing it until I met up with those fellow mamapreneurs and realized I
had halted myself.
I was overwhealmed, afraid, sad, lost and most of all... disappointed.
When I started this project I thought I knew what dissapointment felt like.
"I'll handle it well" I thought.
But it turns out regular disappointment and dissapointment pertaining to a passion are so very
different.
The latter.... really really hurts. It feels like a punch in the face (if you've ever had one... and I have).
After making this realization I got back on track. Reset my goals. Made a more realistic approach and started at it again.
New Plan:
Take my time
Write the song
Record the process
Edit what I can when I can
Dont aim for high quality million dollar status music videos -Yet- (just put it out there)
POST POST POST and ask the audience to help keep you accountable
My Takeaway:
Dissapointment comes in many shapes and sizes and I cant expect it to hit me in the stomach when it can punch me in the face.
Wherever it lands. Keep rolling with the punches. Keep creating.
Just a quick note about what I'm really starting with.
-My Brain (some experience expressing myself poetically)
-My iPhone ( for occasional videos)
-A Laptop ( which is technically my boyfriends because I sold mine when I was really broke not too long ago)
this includes
-Garage band
-iMovie
- the Internet
-A camera ( I bought with target store credit)
('Breathe'... internally I'm at the edge of a cliff..)
I am pursuing a passion project here. A one year challenge. As you might deduce from the name of my blog!
I am a singer first, a performer second and a songwriter last! I have been in girl groups, recorded a few songs, done a few professional demos but nothing too fantastic in the world of singing and performing. I do have experience but not in the professional way that I'm craving. I know there are other singer/ songwriters out there like me, STUCK. I was wishing for a place to perform, looking for a doorway to write, longing for a safe haven to share the song inside of me.
(Bonjour Group)
So, I created this challenge for myself.
Although for most professional artists an album in a year is the norm, for the regular folk that is a huge feat. So here I am. I want to have a 10 song Album in a year. It doesn't matter that it doesn't look or sound the way that it looks in my mind.
(and by the way in my mind it looks so beautifully produced that I realize my brain has way more of a budget than my pocket does!)
All that matters is that I have it! It may be shitty, it may be great! It may be mediocre and maybe you will be able to relate. All that matters is that I COMPLETE IT.
I have a few motivators I should share.
1. I just became a mother. Which, believe it or not, motivates me.
Amelie Bay Correa <3
2. I joined a group of fellow mamas that are progressing towards their dreams and although our dreams are extremely different. Their positive impact motivates me.
3. I'm tired. Tired of giving up. Tired of ignoring that feeling inside of me that says, "Blanca Paola Espinoza ...JUST FREAKING SING!" --- Ive spent so much time acting like its a pipe dream, impossible and actually unimportant to me. ( I do that so that I don't hurt my own feelings)
In actuality. Its my deepest passion. My only expression. My spark for life.
So here I am. There you have it. My spark of a beginning.
I will be sharing my failures, disappointments, successes (no matter how small) and honest feelings about this process.
